I Chikened Out!
by Scott on Feb.05, 2010, under Living & Loving
Ok, I ‘wussed out’! Actually, my sponser strongly suggested that I should not make public my story for various reasons. One being that I’m crazy so I can’t possibly make rational decisions. After giving it some deep thought (I can do that), I’ve decided to take his advise and keep it between God, him and myself. The 12 steps does say, ” Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” It does’nt mention anything about telling the world. And what the hell for anyway?
It’s not that it really matters to me who knows about all my garbage. I guess it really just serves no purpose and could cause me some uneeded grief. Someone might get a heavy dose of self-righteousness and call the police, effectively starting a ball rolling that’s already been put away and dealt with from a legal stand point. So, Saint Pious, if you were salivating and hanging onto the edge of your seat for some juicy commentary, wipe your mouth and ‘get to steppin’ cause I ain’t tellin’!
Playing Around With ‘Fluffy-Girl’
by Scott on Jan.24, 2010, under Living & Loving
This is a picture that I took of my beautiful wife, Julia last year. I used a 14mpx camera that I bought from the QVC.com shopping network. (You can enlarge it by clicking on the image). It was an accident that ended up a real keeper I think. I was sitting across the room, familiarizing myself with it’s settings and Julia was folding laundry. I stood up, told her to say “cheeze” and instead, her cute humor got the best of her and she placed a pair of my, ‘Fruit of the Loom” undershorts over her face. She is so photogenic that she can get away with things like that. It impressed me so much that I started playing around with it using the GNU image manipulation program (Gimp for short) and voila!
The photo at your right is the original. She’s gonna yell at me for posting that one, haha! You’re gorgeous sweetheart. Anyway, I really need to get that camera out of hock! Forty dollars is what the snakes loaned me for it…pffft! Thats a story all by itself that I might file away for a future blog sometime.
Death To WordPress! (and the darkness before the light)
by Scott on Jan.16, 2010, under In The Light
Damnit! I should really give some serious thought to learning a little about data bases and their preservation. Not to mention getting familiar with WordPress and it’s seemingly millions of files! You might have noticed that things look a little different; a little lighter. And you might have figured out why by now. You just might be saying, “The idiot fryed his blog”. You would be right. The upside is that I never put a hell of a lot into it, so there wasn’t much to lose accept the 6 to 8 hours that it normally takes me to write a couple of stupid paragraphs! Anyway, I’m up and running again. (YAY!)
For those of you who are here for the first time welcome. This is my personal blog. Its about me, whats going on in my life, my thoughts, my views and lately what has been consuming most of the former. For the better part of my life I walked on the side of dishonesty; with myself and the world around me. I learned early on how to steal, manipulate and generally get what I wanted no matter the cost to who ever it affected. I learned that drugs, alcohol and sex could cover up what I couldn’t deal with in a responsible, productive way which was me and everything directly affecting me. They served me and that was most important.
It is my prayer that this blog will transform my life and who I become within it. That it will open the gates of hell and allow me to step outside and breath; begin a life that I’ve heard about but have yet to experience. Alcolholics Anonymous has a philosophy that says to the effect: One can only get honest with God and recieve his strength and blessings when one gets honest with himself and another soul. I’m going to take it a step farther and get honest with the world, via the worldwide web.
This is no where near an exhaustive list of my sins and character defects. I have plenty. Nor will this subject ever find and ending or remain the same. With Gods help it will be added to and revised from time to time. Why in the hell am I doing this? Because I’ve come to believe that there can be no true freedom, no lasting peace of mind, no absolute center within myself until I’ve thrown out this mountain of garbage. Call it more selfishness or whatever you will. After all, I’m doing this for me not you. I have already crushed some under the burden of their own journey into healing. There is nothing that I can do about it now. This is my journey. And it begins with ceasing to bring harm to others by taking the steps toward destroying the monster within myself; at the very least, weakening him by continually being vigilent of his presense. I don’t believe that I can do away with all of my defects of character because some are instinctive; we are born with them. But I can strive to identify them and in so doing, call on Gods power for release from their hold on me.
Some of you might hate me when you leave. Others will see this for what it is. How ever you take it, they are your feelings and I respect that. But no matter what emotions arise, and what they might bring as a result, I will have attained a peace that only God can bestow. This is my begining. I’m “winging it” you might say. I have much to learn and welcome any insight or opinions.
This is not going to be a life story as far as detailing the things that lead up to my destructive behavior because I dont believe that it’s relavent in this situation; meaning that I’m writing in order to shine light on what I’ve done not, why I did it. Of course it’s important to identify the circumstances that trigger destructive behavior, and the experiences in our past that distort our future. But throwing the “why” into this portrays me as a victim; If I wasn’t treated the way I was and had not seen what I’ve seen then I would not have done what I’ve done. That might be true but I’ve lived more than half of my life feeling like a victim. And because of that I’ve inflicted a lot of pain on innocent souls. I’ve drown myself in oceans of drugs and alcohol and consistently destroyed anything good that I’ve had. It’s time to focus on “what” and throw the “why” out the window for now. More to come…
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